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newandexcitingshapesi'm not feeling much like myself today - have spent all day trying to shake myself back into my own body - but hours later i'm still struggling with it, so i thought, why not talk about something i like?
i like movies and simple-but-open prompts, so i'm going to borrow a meme from the wider internet and talk about movies i'd show you if i wanted you to understand me better.
this sort of "describe yourself via favorite/special media" meme has existed online for probably longer than i have, but i like to think about it. i have trouble describing myself, sometimes. often. on days like today, i'm not sure i exist at all, or i know i exist but feel i am a poor facsimile of others. but it helps me, to remember that some things do belong to me myself, and i have a bond with certain media that no one can talk me out of, not even myself. it helps me anchor myself in myself, to remember that i am a person made up of more than just the other, cooler/smarter/more interesting people i know. if that makes sense.
anyway, in no particular order, here are some movies i'd show you to try and get you a little closer to understanding me as a person. i'll link to one of my letterboxd reviews for each, too.
- a christmas story (1983)
i talk about this every christmas, but this is my christmas movie. perhaps annoyingly so; it's difficult for me to watch it with anyone other than my own family (namely, my father) because i know so many of the words by heart and it means a great deal to me.
when i watched this with an ex-boyfriend for his first time (in exchange, i watched national lampoon's christmas vacation for my first time) he turned to me at some point and said something along the lines of, "yeah, it makes sense that this is your christmas movie." i kind of treasure that moment, because i don't think i had realized until recent years just how much i adore the writing in this film.
a christmas story is based on short stories in the somewhat-fictionalized-memoirish book in god we trust, all others pay cash by jean shepherd, who also narrates the film itself. it's bits of life through world-weary nine-year-old ralphie's eyes around christmastime in the 40s, when all he wants in the world from santa clause is a red ryder bb gun.
i've been watching this movie for about as long as i can remember, and boy, could shepherd turn a phrase. everyone seems to have a favorite line from this - my favorite being "my father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay." my father's is, "nahhh, that's them balsams." there's just something about it that is magical to me. i want to write like this. i want to turn a phrase this deftly, to write about my own life, or a life i made up, and have it be this funny and this moving. i don't really know what else to say, without spending the entire blog here. i didn't watch it last year and it felt like something was missing.
- lady bird (2017)
i have trouble thinking of this movie without crying. the first time i saw it, i was expecting sort of the usual coming-of-age fare, and i spent the last twenty minutes or so quietly (or so i hope) shaking and sobbing in my seat. my initial review was, "everyone who buys a ticket to this movie should also get a free therapy session afterward to talk some shit out". i told my boyfriend at the time some things about my growing-up in the car on the way home that i've rarely told anyone. i took myself to see it again solo two weeks later, then solo again another month later. i loved it. i cried every time. i've only ever seen it in theaters, but i have the screenplay book from a24, which i semi-conned my parents into buying me a couple of birthdays ago, which is really funny if you know much about this movie, i think.
it's about loving your parent and hating them, about being an asshole teenager and resenting your hometown, but realizing you'll miss it, too. it's about going to catholic school, which i never did, and about going across the country to college, which i never did, either. but it resonates with me so hard that it doesn't even matter if our particulars, mine and lady bird's, really overlap neatly. it speaks to the teenager and young adult i was, and it hits hard. "maybe every teen girlhood uses the same chord progression," i wrote the last time i saw it.
"don't you think they are the same thing? love and attention?" i think about that line a lot.
- i saw the tv glow (2024)
i'm sorry, i'm still not sure i know how to talk about this movie without tripping over my own feet and bursting into tears. "owen" dissociates from his reality via the pink opaque - i did the same thing with buffy the vampire slayer. our stories may not be exactly the same, but maybe they rhyme.
i didn't want to exist in my own skin, so i borrowed the name and face of dawn summers online, roleplaying so hard i didn't learn anything in physics that year in favor of thinking about my girl and her scooby gang and the misadventures we were (often, badly) making up. owen doesn't want to exist in his own skin, so he - well. i don't want to spoil it for you.
i was already trans when i watched this movie, and thank god, because i think it would have split my head open in an even worse way if i hadn't already known. it's scaring me to death to try and change my own life. it scares me to death to think of not ever changing it. either way, i'm going to be scared. i might as well be scared and called by the right name, right? at least that's what i keep trying to tell myself.
there is still time.
-
you know, i had really planned on writing about more movies. i promise i had. but these feel... like a really important trio. and maybe it's silly that a christmas movie is in here! but maybe i am silly too.
for fun, here's the list i found on my phone from august 2023: when harry met sally, little shop of horrors, the princess bride, lady bird, muppet treasure island, the lion king ii: simba's pride, casablanca, a christmas story, it chapter 2 (unfortunately.), steel magnolias, big fish, lotr: the two towers, and drive.
i'm very particular about my letterboxd top four. the fourth slot seems to change every once in a while, but it's hard for me to narrow it down to four "favorites" - what kind of favorite? fun to watch? quote-along? meaningful? most-watched? - so i try not to fuss with it too much or i get crazed about it. but for posterity, my current four: when harry met sally, little shop of horrors, i saw the tv glow, and casablanca. (i mean. it's fucking casablanca.)
anyway: movies. love 'em! having a really hard time watching them lately. might try and watch something tonight to shake out the bad-brain. let's hope it works.
<3 jd
i like movies and simple-but-open prompts, so i'm going to borrow a meme from the wider internet and talk about movies i'd show you if i wanted you to understand me better.
this sort of "describe yourself via favorite/special media" meme has existed online for probably longer than i have, but i like to think about it. i have trouble describing myself, sometimes. often. on days like today, i'm not sure i exist at all, or i know i exist but feel i am a poor facsimile of others. but it helps me, to remember that some things do belong to me myself, and i have a bond with certain media that no one can talk me out of, not even myself. it helps me anchor myself in myself, to remember that i am a person made up of more than just the other, cooler/smarter/more interesting people i know. if that makes sense.
anyway, in no particular order, here are some movies i'd show you to try and get you a little closer to understanding me as a person. i'll link to one of my letterboxd reviews for each, too.
- a christmas story (1983)
i talk about this every christmas, but this is my christmas movie. perhaps annoyingly so; it's difficult for me to watch it with anyone other than my own family (namely, my father) because i know so many of the words by heart and it means a great deal to me.
when i watched this with an ex-boyfriend for his first time (in exchange, i watched national lampoon's christmas vacation for my first time) he turned to me at some point and said something along the lines of, "yeah, it makes sense that this is your christmas movie." i kind of treasure that moment, because i don't think i had realized until recent years just how much i adore the writing in this film.
a christmas story is based on short stories in the somewhat-fictionalized-memoirish book in god we trust, all others pay cash by jean shepherd, who also narrates the film itself. it's bits of life through world-weary nine-year-old ralphie's eyes around christmastime in the 40s, when all he wants in the world from santa clause is a red ryder bb gun.
i've been watching this movie for about as long as i can remember, and boy, could shepherd turn a phrase. everyone seems to have a favorite line from this - my favorite being "my father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay." my father's is, "nahhh, that's them balsams." there's just something about it that is magical to me. i want to write like this. i want to turn a phrase this deftly, to write about my own life, or a life i made up, and have it be this funny and this moving. i don't really know what else to say, without spending the entire blog here. i didn't watch it last year and it felt like something was missing.
- lady bird (2017)
i have trouble thinking of this movie without crying. the first time i saw it, i was expecting sort of the usual coming-of-age fare, and i spent the last twenty minutes or so quietly (or so i hope) shaking and sobbing in my seat. my initial review was, "everyone who buys a ticket to this movie should also get a free therapy session afterward to talk some shit out". i told my boyfriend at the time some things about my growing-up in the car on the way home that i've rarely told anyone. i took myself to see it again solo two weeks later, then solo again another month later. i loved it. i cried every time. i've only ever seen it in theaters, but i have the screenplay book from a24, which i semi-conned my parents into buying me a couple of birthdays ago, which is really funny if you know much about this movie, i think.
it's about loving your parent and hating them, about being an asshole teenager and resenting your hometown, but realizing you'll miss it, too. it's about going to catholic school, which i never did, and about going across the country to college, which i never did, either. but it resonates with me so hard that it doesn't even matter if our particulars, mine and lady bird's, really overlap neatly. it speaks to the teenager and young adult i was, and it hits hard. "maybe every teen girlhood uses the same chord progression," i wrote the last time i saw it.
"don't you think they are the same thing? love and attention?" i think about that line a lot.
- i saw the tv glow (2024)
i'm sorry, i'm still not sure i know how to talk about this movie without tripping over my own feet and bursting into tears. "owen" dissociates from his reality via the pink opaque - i did the same thing with buffy the vampire slayer. our stories may not be exactly the same, but maybe they rhyme.
i didn't want to exist in my own skin, so i borrowed the name and face of dawn summers online, roleplaying so hard i didn't learn anything in physics that year in favor of thinking about my girl and her scooby gang and the misadventures we were (often, badly) making up. owen doesn't want to exist in his own skin, so he - well. i don't want to spoil it for you.
i was already trans when i watched this movie, and thank god, because i think it would have split my head open in an even worse way if i hadn't already known. it's scaring me to death to try and change my own life. it scares me to death to think of not ever changing it. either way, i'm going to be scared. i might as well be scared and called by the right name, right? at least that's what i keep trying to tell myself.
there is still time.
-
you know, i had really planned on writing about more movies. i promise i had. but these feel... like a really important trio. and maybe it's silly that a christmas movie is in here! but maybe i am silly too.
for fun, here's the list i found on my phone from august 2023: when harry met sally, little shop of horrors, the princess bride, lady bird, muppet treasure island, the lion king ii: simba's pride, casablanca, a christmas story, it chapter 2 (unfortunately.), steel magnolias, big fish, lotr: the two towers, and drive.
i'm very particular about my letterboxd top four. the fourth slot seems to change every once in a while, but it's hard for me to narrow it down to four "favorites" - what kind of favorite? fun to watch? quote-along? meaningful? most-watched? - so i try not to fuss with it too much or i get crazed about it. but for posterity, my current four: when harry met sally, little shop of horrors, i saw the tv glow, and casablanca. (i mean. it's fucking casablanca.)
anyway: movies. love 'em! having a really hard time watching them lately. might try and watch something tonight to shake out the bad-brain. let's hope it works.
<3 jd
