sick + tired
Feb. 14th, 2025 08:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
newandexcitingshapes god, this week fucking sucked (cw for health, weight and disordered eating talk, emetophobia)
i am sick and tired, as they say, of being sick and tired.
monday i was woken up around 3 a.m. by my glucose monitoring system screeching to let me know my blood sugar was crashing. which, like, yeah, saves my life every time it happens, but it's so fucking irritating. you would not believe how loud that shit is. so i spent an hour standing in my kitchen crushing apple juice boxes and, for lack of any better plan, eating rainbow nerds by the handful bc, well, it's sugar. got my blood sugar back in range and went back to bed, where i did not sleep very well, as usual when i have a middle-of-the-night crash like that.
went to the doctor the same morning for my annual/followup after my blood work. my vitamin d is coming up (yay) but so is my "bad" cholesterol. nothing like "we don't usually do X before 40, but" to really hit that sally albright "but i'm gonna be FORTY! ... SOMEDAY!" moment at like 10:15 a.m.
we talked about the symptoms of gastroparesis i've been having for probably a couple of years now, but that have worsened significantly recently -- like, throwing up 2-4 times a week, worsening. nauseous half the time to boot. getting way too closely acquainted with my gag reflex and how to tell when i can calm it down and when i just have to boot and rally. yeah this is gross to read about but imagine how great i feel living it. sorry.
the good news is he's not gonna make me do any more GI testing about it, at least for now. the bad news is that the usual medication for gastroparesis can't be taken with my rexulti (for my anxiety or OCD or something in my skull, i can't remember) so we're having to kind of improv with meds for acid reflux and nausea. hopefully those will do...something... once i pick them up tomorrow.
i also have extremely mixed feelings on being put back on a weight-loss drug. i was on oz*mpic for a couple/few years around 2019 and anytime i missed a dose, it would make me extremely fucking sick, which i guess is another way to lose weight. (this is a joke.) and i hate looking at photos of myself from that era now, too -- i feel like i look ill. i don't look like myself, which is partially because i lost so much weight without really doing anything but also partially because i was in another femme attempt phase. affemmept. i was wearing dark plum lipstick, is what i'm saying, with circles under my eyes.
my endo took me off oz*mpic a few years ago, after i told her it was making me so sick and after we had figured out that i was type 1 diabetic and not type 2. but now my primary dr wants me to go on m*unjaro, and i'm just like of like. fine. you know?
like. heavy sigh. i'm not proud of this impulse, but part of me is excited, because of internalized fatphobia and how hard it is to deal with food sometimes (even outside of the gastroparesis) and also because i want my bbp beetlejuice stripe pants to fit again. and the evils of society telling me that a skinnier me is a healthier/better me.
but also, to be fair: it will help control my blood sugar and it will help me lose weight, and those two things are worth it if only for the fact that it'll potentially get my gastroparesis to lighten up a bit. so i guess, you know, that's good. and hopefully this one won't have the side effects that the o drug did back in the day. and if they do, well. i'm nauseous half the time anyway.
on the mental front, i am not doing too hot either. my psych upped my concerta dose when i saw her a week or two ago, but i can't tell if it's doing anything. it's like, sometimes it'll be helpful, and sometimes it's just like. i cannot get myself to focus to save my life.
yesterday was extra bad, in that i could not un-hyper-focus myself from looking at my special boys across multiple apps (which i love doing!!! if you send me special boys do not feel bad!!! i just need to moderate the time!!!) and it gave me that feeling that i can only describe as, like: if i were a doll with googly eyes, and someone shook me really hard, and my eyes and brain just rattled around in my skull and couldn't stick to looking at any one thing.
it's made it really hard to get work done, which of course means it's a week where i have new work to do, and not one of the weeks where i have a light load.
today i had a near-meltdown like, twice, just because i got overwhelmed by a new type of project and it had too many variables and i didn't know the right answers or what was missing or what to edit. i started feeling hot and itchy and had to turn off all the lights and get under the weighted blanket and listen to "people" by agust d until i returned to some semblance of calm. it turned out fine, my coworker/guide helped edit the work i had done and make it better and teach me what was missing/needed work, and she was super nice about it as usual. but jesus.
i'm just so tired. i've slept like shit basically all week. i nearly skipped korean class this week but the teacher let me watch without turning on my camera or participating. i've cried multiple times and thrown up multiple times and had like 3 of my safe Big Smoothies when nothing else would go down easy, and it's just, like. god, i am so tired of feeling like shit.
not to continue to indulge the pity party, but it's valentine's day, and i couldn't even bring myself to go out on a little self-date to the movies. i'm literally lying here in bed before 9 p.m. with the lights off, listening to a playlist i made after i got dumped in 2018 and thinking about how much i miss romance. and then i think, well, i haven't really been romanced, not properly, with the 2.5 relationships i've had. the first guy was a manipulative dude in a band (i know.) and i don't think he really loved me. the second we've discussed. i think he just let me happen to him. and the third i bear no grudge against, he is still one of my best friends, we just weren't romantically anything.
but it's just, like. well. i don't feel good enough to date anyway. i'm busy. i'm tired. i'm physically and mentally unwell a lot of the time lately. and i'm trying to move in eight months anyway. but it's just like... mitski voice. i've been big and small and big and small and big and small again, and still nobody wants me.
sorry for the lengthy pity party. i'm hoping this gets it all out of my system. hopefully i sleep better tonight and have a nice little day to myself tomorrow.
i am sick and tired, as they say, of being sick and tired.
monday i was woken up around 3 a.m. by my glucose monitoring system screeching to let me know my blood sugar was crashing. which, like, yeah, saves my life every time it happens, but it's so fucking irritating. you would not believe how loud that shit is. so i spent an hour standing in my kitchen crushing apple juice boxes and, for lack of any better plan, eating rainbow nerds by the handful bc, well, it's sugar. got my blood sugar back in range and went back to bed, where i did not sleep very well, as usual when i have a middle-of-the-night crash like that.
went to the doctor the same morning for my annual/followup after my blood work. my vitamin d is coming up (yay) but so is my "bad" cholesterol. nothing like "we don't usually do X before 40, but" to really hit that sally albright "but i'm gonna be FORTY! ... SOMEDAY!" moment at like 10:15 a.m.
we talked about the symptoms of gastroparesis i've been having for probably a couple of years now, but that have worsened significantly recently -- like, throwing up 2-4 times a week, worsening. nauseous half the time to boot. getting way too closely acquainted with my gag reflex and how to tell when i can calm it down and when i just have to boot and rally. yeah this is gross to read about but imagine how great i feel living it. sorry.
the good news is he's not gonna make me do any more GI testing about it, at least for now. the bad news is that the usual medication for gastroparesis can't be taken with my rexulti (for my anxiety or OCD or something in my skull, i can't remember) so we're having to kind of improv with meds for acid reflux and nausea. hopefully those will do...something... once i pick them up tomorrow.
i also have extremely mixed feelings on being put back on a weight-loss drug. i was on oz*mpic for a couple/few years around 2019 and anytime i missed a dose, it would make me extremely fucking sick, which i guess is another way to lose weight. (this is a joke.) and i hate looking at photos of myself from that era now, too -- i feel like i look ill. i don't look like myself, which is partially because i lost so much weight without really doing anything but also partially because i was in another femme attempt phase. affemmept. i was wearing dark plum lipstick, is what i'm saying, with circles under my eyes.
my endo took me off oz*mpic a few years ago, after i told her it was making me so sick and after we had figured out that i was type 1 diabetic and not type 2. but now my primary dr wants me to go on m*unjaro, and i'm just like of like. fine. you know?
like. heavy sigh. i'm not proud of this impulse, but part of me is excited, because of internalized fatphobia and how hard it is to deal with food sometimes (even outside of the gastroparesis) and also because i want my bbp beetlejuice stripe pants to fit again. and the evils of society telling me that a skinnier me is a healthier/better me.
but also, to be fair: it will help control my blood sugar and it will help me lose weight, and those two things are worth it if only for the fact that it'll potentially get my gastroparesis to lighten up a bit. so i guess, you know, that's good. and hopefully this one won't have the side effects that the o drug did back in the day. and if they do, well. i'm nauseous half the time anyway.
on the mental front, i am not doing too hot either. my psych upped my concerta dose when i saw her a week or two ago, but i can't tell if it's doing anything. it's like, sometimes it'll be helpful, and sometimes it's just like. i cannot get myself to focus to save my life.
yesterday was extra bad, in that i could not un-hyper-focus myself from looking at my special boys across multiple apps (which i love doing!!! if you send me special boys do not feel bad!!! i just need to moderate the time!!!) and it gave me that feeling that i can only describe as, like: if i were a doll with googly eyes, and someone shook me really hard, and my eyes and brain just rattled around in my skull and couldn't stick to looking at any one thing.
it's made it really hard to get work done, which of course means it's a week where i have new work to do, and not one of the weeks where i have a light load.
today i had a near-meltdown like, twice, just because i got overwhelmed by a new type of project and it had too many variables and i didn't know the right answers or what was missing or what to edit. i started feeling hot and itchy and had to turn off all the lights and get under the weighted blanket and listen to "people" by agust d until i returned to some semblance of calm. it turned out fine, my coworker/guide helped edit the work i had done and make it better and teach me what was missing/needed work, and she was super nice about it as usual. but jesus.
i'm just so tired. i've slept like shit basically all week. i nearly skipped korean class this week but the teacher let me watch without turning on my camera or participating. i've cried multiple times and thrown up multiple times and had like 3 of my safe Big Smoothies when nothing else would go down easy, and it's just, like. god, i am so tired of feeling like shit.
not to continue to indulge the pity party, but it's valentine's day, and i couldn't even bring myself to go out on a little self-date to the movies. i'm literally lying here in bed before 9 p.m. with the lights off, listening to a playlist i made after i got dumped in 2018 and thinking about how much i miss romance. and then i think, well, i haven't really been romanced, not properly, with the 2.5 relationships i've had. the first guy was a manipulative dude in a band (i know.) and i don't think he really loved me. the second we've discussed. i think he just let me happen to him. and the third i bear no grudge against, he is still one of my best friends, we just weren't romantically anything.
but it's just, like. well. i don't feel good enough to date anyway. i'm busy. i'm tired. i'm physically and mentally unwell a lot of the time lately. and i'm trying to move in eight months anyway. but it's just like... mitski voice. i've been big and small and big and small and big and small again, and still nobody wants me.
sorry for the lengthy pity party. i'm hoping this gets it all out of my system. hopefully i sleep better tonight and have a nice little day to myself tomorrow.
